Friday, 24 April 2009
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The Standards: This Time With Answers Not Questions
I've seen a lot of lists in my life detailing exactly what kind of person the writer wanted as a significant other. I've agreed with some more than others, but I've always been reluctant to make such a list on the grounds that I'm in no place to assess the relative worth of people. I'm not saying that I'm so desirable that I'd be breaking the hearts of people I turned away, but it feels wrong to tell one person, "You're good enough," and another, "You're not good enough." Surely if love is something that must be deserved, I'm out of luck.
On the other hand, I'm tired of having my heart broken. Because of that, I'm going to have to lay down some ground rules.
The most important thing to me is loyalty. If you'll stand by me through good and bad, happy and sad, rich and poor (don't count on much of the former, by the way), young and old, I'll stand by you. I believe that a relationship is a sacred commitment that should not be forsaken without both very good reason and a hell of a fight to keep it alive. If you're not as fiercely, stubbornly loyal as I am, and you're more concerned with keeping yourself happy and entertained or testing the waters or whatever else, please don't give me false hope.
Secondly, you have to be a Christian. I just noticed that I'm writing this in second person. Why? I don't know, but it's too late to stop now. Anyway, if I'm to be with someone, I want shared values and purpose. I don't want to be the proverbial servant of two masters because compromise is inevitable, and I don't want to live that way. You have to be okay with saving sex for marriage, and, beyond that, even insist on it because I'm going to waver, guaranteed. And I mean no sexuality of any kind.
You can't be a substance abuser, whether legally or illegally. I don't care about the past, but if you're an alcoholic or a pothead or anything of the sort, that doesn't fly. If you want help quitting, I'll be a good friend, but I'm not putting myself in your hands unless you're completely clean.
I insist upon those three things, but I also have a number of preferences. They're not deal-breakers, but they do give a general idea of the kind of person I'm looking for.
I don't want someone with deep-seated issues that will poison us from within. If you have disorders, I'll be a good friend to you and help you however I can, but I don't want a lop-sided relationship. I don't want to be your hero. I want you to be my equal, my mutual support.
I want a woman who is honest and forthcoming. I don't like games; you know what I mean, those mind games girls play. I'm not interested in girls who are in middle school nor those who act as though they were. Yes, I'll understand what you're doing, and I might even play along, but it's not going to make me like you at all. If you love me, say so. If you have a problem with me, tell me about it. Communicate, please, and don't let pride get in your way. I'll grant you the same courtesy.
I want a woman who's passionate about something. It would be great if you were passionate about the same things as I am, but anything (within reason) will do. I want you to be a believer, in the Shepherd Book sense of the word (I'd also prefer that you understand that reference).
I want a woman who's financially responsible. I want the kind of person who, given five hundred dollars, would buy practical shoes for twenty dollars at Payless and save the rest rather than spend it all on a pair of Manolos. If you want extravagance, for one thing, I pity you, and for another, you have your eyes set on the wrong man's wallet.
Lastly, I have some physical preferences. I want a woman with decent health and fitness, and I'm not a fan of tattoos or other body modification.
This list isn't necessarily definitive; I'll most likely add to it over time, but I think you all get the idea. The purpose of this is to remind me what I want, so I don't get tempted into a dead end. It doesn't mean that I'm looking for someone to date; I'm not. I don't want to rush into anything. Still, if I just described you or a friend of yours above, I'd be glad to know you or your friend whether it leads anywhere or not.
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Comments (24)
I think your list is reasonable - you're not setting the bar too high and that's important. The things you've listed are actually obtainable. Good luck finding that person!
To me, love is just something that happens. It's not something you look for in people because your in the mood to be in love. Love happens the same way rainbows happen.
@maniac_rose - I quite agree, and I've even written an entry about that before, but this is to keep me in check and prevent love from happening where it would be disastrous.
@grammarboy - That's true. It's good to have standards of course. you can't fall in love with a crackhead just because their face or smile makes your heart skip a beat. Well, I could. But I am not smart.
Haha, I fit all the requirements listed, but I'd imagine there's an implied "And you have to be single" requirement as well. And as for THAT, I can't help you. :p :)
Nicely put, I commend you.
~Victoria
That's a good list. It's good to know what you want... not a lot of people do. *hugs*
very nice list, but i see you completely wrote me off, lol
plus, i like my walls that surround me, spent years putting them up.
take care Nate, you will find what your looking for, this i promise you.
I've often thought about making a list such as yours. Something has always stopped me from doing so, mostly because I hesitate to put a future SO into a box. But - it's good to have general ideas of the kinds of things you'd like in a future mate... everyone should have that. Maybe one of these days I'll put mine up on Xanga to be critiqued....
I think most people have some sort of internal list like that. Its not that you are marking people on whether they are right or wrong, its more that given the person you are, you are most likely to be happy with someone with certain qualities. Thats why we are all attracted to different people. I think what you are looking for seem like good things to me. The 'lop sided relationship' comment stuck out at me. I have experience of that, and it just isn't good. I completely agree with you, you need an equal relationship. The guy I was with.... to him I was the reason he was happy at all, and I just dont want that. of course when Im with someone, I would like to be one of the reasons for their happiness, but not the only, its a lot of pressure to put on someone. We all need to find out own reasons for happiness and not put it all on one other person. Am i rambling too much now? I do that. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this.
Again, if you weren't out of state, I would have just the gal for you . This is a good list.
@Krissy_Cole - Now you've got me curious. Who is this perfect gal? Distance is a negotiable obstacle.
This is nice. Of all the lists I have read, yours is just so nice. I hope you'll meet this girl. I'm pretty sure it won't take that long. :)
women are overrated. sometimes
What if you fell in love with a jewish woman that otherwise fit all the criteria?
I'm sorry I couldn't be this girl for you.
@StewieIsMyHero - I don't get it; I thought I was the one who wasn't right. I never wanted anything more than to be yours.
Well, the first two things aren't me. So, that's what I meant.
@StewieIsMyHero - I suppose, but you were never subject to any standard from me except love; this is an afterthought. Besides, couldn't isn't the right word; you could have had you chosen so. Anyway, I'm sorry; this is only getting me worked up.
I don't think there's anything wrong with having a list (unless you bring it on a first date and check it off as she is nibbling on her appetizer lol.) I think everything probably has a mental list whether they realize it or not.
really vibin your post and I think all the things you look for in a women are perfect.Â
vaporizers
Great list! If I could add one comment, it would be to find someone in your geographical vicinity, so you can get to know the real person inside them, not just their "screen projection" of their best version of themself. Ya-know-what-I-mean?
You deserve an awesome woman.
This is a good list.
I love you.