Sunday, 24 May 2009

  • Who will stay, and how do I know?

    John Green* maintains that regarding relationships, there are two kinds of people: dumpees and dumpers. It may be an oversimplification of the issues, but there are certainly some merits to his ideas. You may say that this doesn't apply to you because you've been on both ends of breakups before, but we all fall on a bell curve, and everyone has a tendency one way or the other.
    In examining my history, it's easy to see that I'm in the far reaches of dumpeedom on that curve. If you take into account only final ends to relationships, my record is 3 times dumped to no times dumping. I know that seems like a small sampling for drawing conclusions, but believe me that it's not a hasty conclusion. Infidelity counts as dumping regardless of the cheater's desire (or lack thereof) to remain in the relationship, and temporary breakups that end in reconciliation also count for something. If you factor those in, my record is more than I can count or care to remember to 0. It's a clear pattern.
    Now, the point of this isn't to whine that poor poor Nate has been mistreated or whatever. My point is that I don't exhibit the traits of a dumpee. I mean, sure, I have plenty of faults, but I'm not exactly someone who deserves to be dumped consistently.

    And here's my problem: I don't know what to do better. I'm loyal, I love with all of my self, and I treat people with utmost respect, so I don't think there's a way I can love someone more than I have. I don't want to keep throwing my heart out there only to see the same result. And I'm careful; I don't get into relationships casually; I'm in it for the long run. I get to know them first, let them know me, warn them of all my downfalls, make my intentions clear, and everything. I always think, "This one will last," but I'm wrong. So how do I know?

    *This is a link to a video in which he talks about it briefly, but his novel An Abundance of Katherines (which I recommend, along with any of his books) discusses it more in depth.

Comments (11)

  • undertheglass

    Nateypoo, I love you!
  • mycontinuity

    It'll be the relationship that just works out. You'll know (so I've heard).
  • The44thHour

    Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't help you here. I haven't had any experiences of the sort, but I'm guessing if I had I'd be in the same boat as you. :)
  • Xx_Kittt_xX

    my advice would just be to be you and never change for anyone. no matter how many times you get hurt or it doesn't work out. but at the same time realize that there is always a chance for it to not work out, but theres also a chance it will. that way its a win win situation. you either stay true to yourself-which is always the best thing to do and don't get caught up in someone who isn't right for you. or you stay true to yourself and also find someone who stays true to you as well. either way, its a good thing. i can definitely relate though. as for me and "official" relationships i've been dumped twice and dumped twice. if i factor into taht situations where they weren't "official" relationships but other sorts of situations-all of which my feelings were involved then i've been dumped 5 times and i've dumped twice. so i dunno.
  • starrgirl_07

    I am a flipping dumpee who is generally in denial about being a dumpee.


    You know you're a dumpee if you attempt to break up with your bf and fail. we just don't have it in us most of the time.You know you're a dumpee if the only time you broke up with someone was because he was too lazy to do it and passive aggressively made you do it.You know you're a dumpee if you can identify with all the dumpers and feel genuinely sorry for them because you know why they're doing it and it doesn't have to be that way.
    Yuck. 
    Good luck, nate!
  • happyworld_ofharibo

    I suppose I would have to be the dumper... I ended all two of my relationships. I wasnt happy doing it though, its not enjoyable breaking someones heart. And the thing is, you cant really ask the question 'what did I do wrong?'. The second person I 'dumped' kept asking me that, and he honestly didnt do anything wrong... I didnt end it because of something that he did, I ended it because after several years, I just couldnt honestly say that I was in love with him. He couldnt have done something different to change the way I felt because it was nothing to do with what he did or didnt do, he just wasnt the right person for me. Thats not a bad thing, you cant be the right person for everyone just because you want to be. So dont try and change yourself, dont change who you are and how you do things, because then if you meet someone who does feel the same way back, they will be feeling that way about someone who isnt real. Be who you are, and someone will fall in love with you because they love who you are and because you are the right person for them. It might take forever, and it might happen tommorrow, but it will happen on its own. Thats what im telling myself anyway... 
  • AibellFaeire

    I love John Green, first of all. An Abundance of Katherines is the one book of his I have left to read. I got through Paper Towns and Looking for Alaska just recently. He should really be more popular than he is.


    I think the right person will tell you what you're doing wrong and will be honest with you. Only cowards cheat and don't talk to people about problems before they dump them. I couldn't tell you what you're doing wrong, but it may very well be nothing.


    There's nothing wrong with you. The right person just hasn't found you yet.
  • Haruka_Amimu_Shi

    But what if your a dumpee like me, in where you kind of encourage the other to leave. Or it could be something more like you desire something more than both parties are really mature enough to handle. There are very few as mature as you; seriously, that is a very rare thing.

    Though here is a crazy thought, perhaps you are in too seriously and maybe that just freaks out some people. Maybe you should try a more casual relationship that you don't expect to go anywhere (aka marriage, kids white picket fence around your tent and learn from that. Take advantage of the fact your in GA, its now summer & your in uniform. Otherwise, you may end up as jaded as me one day. AND nobody wants to see that.

    BTW, Happy Memorial Day!
  • spokenfor

    i think it's not because we have some glaring fault as the dumpee, but we pick the wrong people, people that won't reciprocate or give what we give in a relationship. we sell ourselves short and in the end get the raw deal.
  • starvationsensation

    John Green's novels are amazing, though I've never met anyone else who reads them,

    I really enjoy reading your blogs by the way.: )xx
  • LittleEngine

    Breakups suck.

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