Wednesday, 27 May 2009

• Is It Fate?

  I've always believed that life is what I make of it by our my choices and that the how and the why are more important than the where and the what. So long as I live with integrity, compassion, and the like, what does it matter whether I live in this place or that place? Aren't there needs to be filled everywhere? What should it matter whether we have this career or that one? What difference does it make if I love this person or that one? can't any two be happy together if they love each other and put forth an effort? There are a lot of details in life that seem to be a matter of personal preference.

  Though to a large degree I still believe that, I'm starting to believe more in fate. There are a couple of things that just seem to be my fate, regardless what else I try. I'll show you what I mean anecdotally, so bear with me if this gets long.

  *scene fades to black and fades back in with a haze and dramatic harp music*

  When I was a sophomore in high school, I took a geometry class that left a lasting impression on me. I sat with a wonderful group of people, and throughout the year we all became good friends. Our teacher did a great job, and I always caught on immediately to the lessons, so then I'd spend my work time in class on helping the people around me when they had questions. It was a great arrangement for everyone. The following year, I took Algebra II with the same teacher, and I ended up with some of the same group of friends from Geometry. It was the same great experience. Senior year, when it came time to apply to college, I didn't really know what I wanted, but I thought I'd like to be a math teacher. I applied to the same school as some of my teachers had attended, but unfortunately I wasn't accepted because I wasn't in the top half of my class (a story for another time). My plans didn't really change after that; I was just going to start out in community college and finish the same, but complications came after a year of that. Namely, I had no money, no job, no place to live, etc. So I joined the Army. Over the last four years, I've changed my mind a hundred times about what I should do "when I grow up," but I've never really had any solid idea.
  A few days ago, I was talking with a friend, and I realized what I should do. You can probably guess, but I want to be a math teacher. I've been tutoring friends in math for some time, so it makes sense, but there's a lot more to it than that now. I've been trying so hard to think of a job I could do where I could make a difference in people's lives, and I never saw being a math teacher that way until I came up with the conclusion independently of all that past. I want to do something that puts me in a position to help people who suffer in silence through mental disorders, eating disorders, addictions, cutting, and all those things that most people wouldn't notice or want to deal with. I'm not a professional or anything, just someone who notices and cares, and that's kind of the point. If I were to try to be a clinical psychologist or some such thing, I would feel compromised because I think it would effectively prevent me from helping people. I know how these things work; you go in and lie to the shrink, so you can get the hell out of there. I'd rather that people know that I try to help because I care about them and not because it's my job to do so. And I'd just say, "Screw getting a job; I'm going to just help people," but I need to eat, and besides that I want to be able to help friends financially when they need it. This is what led me to the thought that I should be a teacher. I'd be in a position to help without it actually being my job, and I'd make an honest living.

  The other thing that's led me to believe in the possibility that some things could be fated by God's will or our inherent natures or whatever else is women. As I expressed in my last post, I just keep thinking it's right, and I just keep being wrong. Now I'm not so sure about my supposition that I can love whomever and have it work out because "Love is all you need." Maybe there are certain people with whom I'm not intended to be. Or maybe I was intended to be with them, and I've learned what I was supposed to, grown, and been left to the next step. Or maybe I'm intended to be with someone in particular, and I just haven't been with her yet, so fate pushes everyone else out of the way for what is to come. Or maybe I'm intended to be single forever. I really don't know a thing. But I know that things sure don't go the way I choose them.

  What do you think of the ideas of fate and free will? Is it one, the other, or something in between?

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